Sometimes I hear from wives who have no idea how they are going to get their husband to forgive their affair. They regret it more than they can ever express. And they would do anything to earn her forgiveness. But it seems the affair has challenged her masculinity, and she finds that sin almost more unforgivable than the affair itself.
A wife might explain, “I couldn’t feel more remorse for what I did. When I was on a business trip, I drank too much and slept with my boss. It was a huge mistake and my boss had nothing to do.” flirting with me But at the same time, I made this mistake. I have to take responsibility. I didn’t say no and let it happen. Once I calmed down, I called my husband and told him everything. I hoped he would appreciate my being honest. He did not do it. He told me to stay with my mother and that he would not allow me to come home. I accepted it at first, but that was three weeks ago. When I try to talk to him, he’s still as furious as he was the night this happened. He says I humiliated him by sleeping with my boss. He says that he knows my mother is going to tell people in our church and this challenges him. his masculinity. He says he won’t be able to look people in the eye in church and he’s not sure he can forgive me for that. The irony in all of this is that my husband was unfaithful to me when we first started dating. Honestly, we just met. And he has never cheated on us during our marriage. But still, I forgave him. And he now he tells me that he won’t be able to forgive me. I don’t want to let go of my marriage. I know I made a horrible mistake, but I want him to give me a chance to correct it. He’s exaggerating about this humiliation thing?”
It probably doesn’t feel like a stretch to him. If he investigates infidelity recovery, he will see that women often struggle the most to get over the idea that the husband was emotionally connected to someone else. (Sure, she hates the idea of sex. But it’s more upsetting if she thinks her husband emotionally loved someone else.) With a man or husband, it’s actually the opposite. Although a wife being “in love” with another man can do serious damage to a marriage, it is usually the sex that bothers the husband the most. She often worries that you did things with the other man that you wouldn’t do with him (or that you didn’t enjoy) and she will worry that the other man performed better than he did.
For a man, much of his self-esteem is tied to his feelings of competence and power. If he feels that another man is higher on this scale for you, he can be extremely hurtful and hurtful. This is a pain that he will often want to escape from, which is why he may be telling you that he can never forgive you. He may know that he will fight to be okay or accept these feelings of inadequacy.
The good news is that what you feel immediately or even shortly after discovering the affair is not always what you feel towards the end of the recovery process. I also thought that I could never forgive my husband. And yet here I am. I thought I’d never get over that kind of betrayal, but I’m still married. And I can relate to what his husband says: when his spouse cheats on him, he can make him doubt himself in many ways. This process can feel very humiliating. And that’s a pain you don’t want to experience for the rest of your life.
But as you heal and begin to connect with your partner again, hopeful feelings may eventually begin to replace those negative feelings. This process takes time. Sometimes I think the only reason I’m still married is that my husband stood there when he was trying to push him away. Why am I telling you this? Because if your marriage is still important to you, just keep a safe distance. Your husband may not want to forgive you right now. That’s fair. But that doesn’t mean he can’t stay in touch and communicate while he waits for things to get better. Sometimes you just have to be patient and let him know you’re there if he feels ready to talk. It may take a while before he feels ready. He did it for me. Anger and devastation may be all you can initially focus on. And seeing his spouse can make things worse. So give it time. Keep repeating that he’s sorry, that he takes responsibility, and that he’ll be there when he’s ready to ask questions. Right now, that’s really all you can do. When your husband wants to talk, be prepared to give him honest answers. And he is prepared to do whatever it takes to heal the marriage.