Now that your relatives have returned home and you are alone for the first time, has the feeling of being alone enveloped you? Now, now that several weeks have passed since your loved one’s death, has the reality of your absence finally come home? This horrible feeling is not easy to dispel when faced for the first time.
Loneliness experts tell us that the key to dealing with it is a concerted effort at self-development and working on the quality of your inner life. This is especially difficult to do if your identity was completely entangled with the person who died.
Your new identity will be made up, in part, of all the new changes, roles, and routines that you will have to adopt as you adjust to the absence of your loved one. It will also be made up of those with whom you associate. These associations are the key to fighting loneliness.
Along the way, it’s critical that you make a concerted effort to eliminate all the pseudo-beliefs and assumptions you may have made about loneliness from the culture you live in. The power of those beliefs is enormous and will greatly influence how you adapt to your new environment. Here are some of the most damaging.
1. It is embarrassing to feel alone. Could not be farther from the truth. Everyone has episodes of loneliness throughout life. It is one of the most common conditions reported by children, adolescents, and adults of all ages. No one is immune from disease. And, among the loneliest, college graduates who live with their parents.
2. I must hide my fear of always being alone. Fear, of course, is generated by much of what has happened before in life. If you have felt abandoned at times as a child, had premature separations due to work, or had a divorce or parents who divorced, the fear of continued loneliness is to be expected. The antidote is to find someone you trust to talk about it and what can be done to fix it. Face fear head-on, never hide it.
3. Others who live alone do very well. This belief is consistently based on peripheral observations of other people seen in specific places or at events, not in all phases of their lives. Again, everyone has episodes of loneliness for a wide variety of reasons. Some feel lonely for cognitive reasons (no one to relate to with the same intellectual interests), others for behavioral reasons (no one to go anywhere with), and others for emotional reasons (lack of affection). These are the three most common types of loneliness.
4. The myth of the perfect friendship. Many people withdraw from friendships because they disagree with others on all matters and issues. True friends are not supposed to disagree, according to this belief pattern. In reality, there are few perfect friendships. The solution is to agree to disagree and keep the friendship strong and viable.
5. No one would want to be my friend. Those with low self-esteem commonly feel that they are not worthy of true friendships for life. Regardless of how you feel about yourself, there are many good people who would be willing to be a friend. You just need to take the first step and choose to find a friend who has similar interests. Then strike up a conversation. Here’s a proven method: take the risk of participating in helping others and friendships will flourish.
6. The myth of group fun. Many people have not learned to enjoy their own company. They are convinced that you can only have fun by being with others at all times. This is where self-development and strengthening interests in activities that can be carried out individually are important. Make dinner for one or throw a party for yourself. Become an expert on the computer, crafts, or a host of other activities.
7. I will not be loved. Often after the death of a loved one, the mourner feels that the only person who really loved him has left and does not love them. Part of this thinking is associated with the disorganization of the grieving process. It is a negative internal belief that must be challenged. And the best way to do that is to choose to be a more loving person.
You will always have the loving relationship with the deceased; that never dies. And you can love others in many ways, from serving the less fortunate to treating others as you would like them to treat yourself.
In summary, negative beliefs and assumptions about loneliness play an important role in reinforcing the feelings of isolation commonly experienced when coping with loss. Once any of these misconceptions are recognized, putting a proven plan to combat loneliness in place is critical.
This is a deep commitment to building a program against loneliness by fully exploring the avenues of contact, starting a conversation regularly includes strengthening existing relationships, engaging in new searches, mutual projects, and learning the art of being friendly. It takes time and positive expectations, and the willingness to consult others who have faced the challenge of building a new life.