The letters, usually addressed to my children, arrived unannounced and were often understood to be just a few sentences referencing an accompanying newspaper article. “Dad thought of you when he read this. I love you grandma and dad.”
The article could be about the Boy Scouts or baseball or whatever else caught my dad’s eye. I was annoyed by the notes because I was sure the short messages were meant to be a hint about my poor upbringing. After all, he had been my biggest critic. He carried his voice with me as much as he carried my brown hair and blue eyes. I resented him and the self-hatred and insecurity he so thoughtlessly bestowed on me. Every gesture, every comment filtered through a gauzy haze of caution that I gave to protect myself from further destruction.
We got locked in a game of cat and mouse that left me shivering in a corner. However, change is inevitable, even for cat and mouse. In this case the change was kind.
The change became evident with the arrival of a box. A box full of letters; letters written for generations; letters written by relatives who traversed a tangled maze of relationships to sit with me here on my living room floor among the written feelings that surround me. Love letters, thank you notes, confessions, apologies, updates, announcements, congratulations, and piles of newspaper clippings scattered outside the box. I instinctively clung to them, drawn to the remnants of my clan. I felt the weight and texture of the papers. I inhaled the scents and marveled at the art of calligraphy. I smiled at the drawings and images of my childhood and that of my brothers. She treasured our heartfelt love notes: “Happy Mother’s Day Mom. I love you most in the whole world! You are the best Mom.” Love, Jenny, 6 years old.
I felt connected and suddenly understood the importance and purpose of the notes that had bothered me for so long. Every time a note came through it was my dad’s way of reaching out to me. We had no words we could share. Now I was almost completely deaf, and the past still clouded our ability to sit comfortably with each other, but the notes and articles told me, “I’m thinking of you. Maybe this will help you, or maybe you’ll find the topic interesting.” But most of all, I just know, I’m thinking of you.” Also inherent in the notes was the possibility that I or my children could respond; we didn’t, because I couldn’t recognize the hand they were extending to me.
By refocusing, I understood that it was time to participate in this generational chain of communication. It was time to honor and celebrate this connection ritual. The first note was written by my daughter. My son would send the next one. I haven’t felt one yet, but I suspect the time will come soon.
Our society is aging. Millions will pass into old age in the next twenty years. At 50, I am among this gray-haired tribe. There will be a smaller group of younger people left to care for us, understand us and relate to us. Each of us shares a responsibility to support one another during this massive demographic transition that is testing our economy, health care systems, workforce, and families like never before. Staying connected and engaged is crucial as we navigate this new frontier.
My professional life is dedicated to creating systems that support people’s connections; connections to benefits, information, community resources and support services. The letters reminded me that our most powerful connection is with each other.
• 42% of caregivers live within twenty minutes of the care recipient. A quarter of people receiving care (24%) live with the caregiver and another fifth (19%) live within an hour of the person receiving care. The remaining 15% of caregivers live more than an hour from the person receiving care. – Source: National Alliance for Care.
• Long-distance caregivers live an average of 480 miles from the people they care for. – Source: Long Distance Caregivers Project – Alzheimer’s Association LA & Riverside, Los Angeles, CA.
• Between the years 2000 – 2015 the number of remote caregivers will double. – Source: Long Distance Caregivers Project – Alzheimer’s Association LA & Riverside, Los Angeles, CA.
• The National Institute on Aging estimates that there are 7 million Americans who are long-distance caregivers.
• Annual expenses incurred by long-distance caregivers amounted to about $8,728. – Source: National Alliance for Caregiving, Evercare, in partnership with United Health Group 2010.
• Many long-distance caregivers had to reduce work hours, take additional time off work, incur additional debt, and cut personal expenses. The problem that is growing in magnitude as time goes by. Source: National Alliance for Care, Evercare, in alliance with United Health Group 2010.