Obsessed with your spouse’s affair, you, like many victims of unfaithful husbands, may find that you are continually comparing yourself to the other woman. Your internal dialogue may sound very similar to this:
“She must be prettier than me.”
“I bet her body is firmer, fitter and healthier than mine, I really got carried away.”
“She is certainly interesting, elegant and witty, it’s no wonder she couldn’t resist.”
“I’m not exciting enough to hold anyone’s interest.”
As if finding out about the matter along with the sordid details weren’t enough, you are now plagued by a barrage of negative thoughts and emotions, directed at you, at you. In this particular article, I’m going to give you some techniques to put an end to this irrationality and encourage you to be your most trusted friend.
The harmful impact of cheating on your self-respect
An avalanche of destructive self-talk increases the confusion and anxiety you are currently experiencing about yourself, your spouse, and the circumstances of your relationship.
It is very normal for you to feel a certain level of doubt when you first discover your husband’s extramarital affair. But when a conversation similar to the one mentioned above turns into a repetitive, hellish tune playing inside your head, you put yourself in the critical situation of being a judge, jury, and daily executioner, for your own respect.
Right after an affair, you are faced with a loss of trust within the marriage relationship. Discovering that your spouse separated from the marriage, for any wrongful reason, is a serious setback to your self-esteem. So, in addition to her trust issues with her husband, she begins to lose faith in her own image, possibly wondering, “Am I who you thought I was?”
Working through the aftermath of an affair, she discovers that she is questioning the things she took for granted in her life. This may consist of your own image of yourself as you reassess everything that you previously trusted as “plain truth.”
This is an incredibly frustrating period in your personal life, without question. Your world seems to be in fragments. Yet every day you keep trying to put these fragments together again and move forward in your personal life.
Here are some techniques to help you on your way, focusing on where the journey should begin: within you.
Step one: follow up on your self-talk
After the revelation of the extramarital affair, no doubt, her imagination and emotions flow continuously. You already know that you feel bad and you also understand that your thoughts correspond to how you feel.
It is vital to have an idea of what exactly that internal dialogue might sound like. Keep track of what you are saying to yourself during these conversations.
Step two: knock the other woman out of her position
To survive infidelity, you must fight when you find out that you are comparing yourself to her. It is you who defines your views and emotions, and absolutely no one can take it away from you.
If the other woman, who in your own mind you have created to be some kind of earthbound goddess, had really been so wonderful, she would not have gotten involved with a married man. Tell yourself this regularly.
Step three: recreate your mental image of the other woman
Now that you’ve pushed the other woman off the pedestal, incorporate some fun with this figure. Keep in mind that your ideas are yours and it is really you who gives them meaning. This doesn’t have to be as unfavorable as an effort to deflate your mental images of her. But these are your own thoughts, and you are allowed to use all the tools you can to survive an affair in your marriage.
Do you want to know if she is more beautiful? Put on a witch hat with that visual image, make the woman’s nose larger, and add a giant wart. Give her an ugly ragged hairstyle and a green complexion.
Wondering if this woman is more resourceful than you? Give her a disgusting, squeaky laugh, so that each and every time you start imagining her with her husband telling a really good joke, you can hear her laugh or laugh.
Step Four: Get Back on the Pedestal
When you are trying to survive an adventure, it is time to become your best ally. Take an inventory of all your wonderful features. You are generous, you are affectionate and you have fantastic legs. Once you’ve built up your list of good features, read them all, often.
Every time images of the other woman appear and you start comparing yourself to her, grab your list and read it out loud.