Do you feel that your divorce is preventing you or your children from growing up? Do you feel like you have so much pressure on you that you worry that your children might take root in their own lives? Well, I have too. Hello, my name is Garnet Mierau and for the last 20 years I have worked as a professional forester in British Columbia, Canada, and I understand a lot about ecology and life cycles. Now that I am involved in my own divorce with young children (ages 8 and 10), I draw on what I understand by forest ecology as a metaphor for my own situation…a bit like the ecology of divorce if you want, and here is an example of what I mean.
The lodgepole pine is a species of climax pyral tree…what do you say? Okay, in layman’s terms, this simply means that it is a self-perpetuating tree species that requires a forest fire to burn down the mature lodgepole pine forest in order for its cones to open and release the seeds from within and therefore the following twisted pine forest is created. – also known as a pyral climax life cycle. Its cones are called serotinous cones due to the fact that they are very well protected. It is almost impossible to break a crooked pine cone and get the seeds, making it less attractive to small critters looking for food. The cones accumulated on the forest floor over the years, waiting for the opportunity to release the hidden treasures from within. What is required is an event of extreme heat, such as a forest fire, to melt the resins that bind the cone together and thus release its seeds. Now back to divorce.
From my experience, I certainly felt as if I had been through a forest fire, even if I got burned a bit. But instead of thinking about how hurt I am (heck, I tried it from the beginning and it didn’t work that well…), I now imagine myself as the newly opened cone. I am liberated and free to grow, establish new roots and create my own divorce ecology and share the hidden treasures within my true self. My divorce has become my own sine qua non to become the person I am today. I have faced fire and I know firsthand how it feels. I also know how you feel at this point in my journey and will continue to share my experience.
So if you’re like most divorced parents, you’re also concerned about your children’s healthy growth and development. Well, it’s actually no different. Yes, the divorce (the forest fire) will have burned them a bit too; however, this is your chance to nurture them with all the love lush seedlings and new beginnings deserve. Your children will establish new roots independently… why not guide them towards growing deep and meaningful roots? The same roots that will help them grow to be healthy and strong. As their father, you will be putting them in the way of how they think and feel. If you are happy, your children will be happy. If you constantly complain and blame, especially your ex-spouse, your children are likely to do the same. They will reflect you because they are your seedlings. You chose to get divorced to get out of an unhealthy relationship; Now is the time to choose a healthy relationship with your former spouse by respecting them for their differences and nurturing your seedlings to be empathic listeners and accepting of diversity. Make your family tree the best it can be. Take care of your own roots so you can help your children get through divorce and put down roots on fertile ground.