Knowing what not to say can be as important as finding the right words to comfort a loved one when they are grieving. Many of the following sayings may appear on the surface to be the “right” thing to say; after all, you’ve probably heard them say at a funeral. However, for a grieving person, these common “words of support” encourage them to deny their true emotions and can be hurtful.
Here are some sayings to try to avoid:
1. He will be there for you … but not a real answer.
Call me if you need to talk! (but the person is always too busy to talk to you).
When you feel extremely vulnerable, you want to be able to count on friends and family to be there for you. One of the most common stories I’ve heard from those who are grieving is that friends and even family often avoid them when they need them most. Try to do your best to return phone calls and come listen. It may seem difficult at times, but it can be truly healing for a friend in need.
2. Looking at the positive side of the answer
Your loss is nothing compared to what I heard on the news the other day, you should be grateful. You’re young; you can always have another child. Don’t worry, you can always remarry. Don’t be sad, they are in a better place now. Your mother lived a long life; He shouldn’t be upset that she passed away.
Pain is unique to each individual. Just because someone else’s life can be more dramatic doesn’t mean your friend’s pain is less important to him. Allow your loved one to freely share their personal story.
3. The answer too negative
You must feel so lost. Things are really going to be awful for you for a while. Poor thing, life will never be the same again. You must have a dark cloud over you. How do you think your loved one would feel if they saw you like this? If you were more religious, these things would not be happening to you.
Someone who is grieving already feels overwhelmed and sad. These negative comments have a way of making someone feel even worse. If you are really trying to sympathize with his feelings, try asking him how he is feeling and allowing him to express what he is going through.
4. The Just Get Over It Answer
You are better now? Your loved one passed away so long ago, why are you still upset? Crying and being depressed will not bring your loved one back. Oh it’s just an animal, you can get another one.
Grief is not a disease or a psychological condition for which you can take a pill and heal. You don’t “just get over it.” When you have experienced a loss, you learn day by day to live your life without your loved one, but the loss is not erased from your memory. Allow your friend to heal at his own pace.
Wow, is there anything you can say?
Most people do not consciously say things that can cause harm. Either they have heard them say hundreds of times and they don’t understand how they can affect someone or they get so nervous about saying the “right thing” that the words come out uncomfortable.
One of the most important things to remember when trying to comfort a grieving friend is not to diminish their feelings. The complaint is normal. It can feel uncomfortable watching someone go through the deep emotional pain that can occur when someone is grieving, that is also normal. If you want to be an understanding friend, allow the person to feel the full range of emotions he feels, both the celebration of the person’s life and the deep feelings of loss and loneliness. By allowing the pain to take its natural progression, you will help your friend achieve a sense of balance in his life.
The best thing to do is keep it simple and sincere. I’m not sure what to say … why not start by asking yourself this simple question? What would you like someone to say to you if you lost a loved one?
Remember … hug them, love them, show up and listen. By introducing yourself and listening, you will do more for your friend than any word can say.