Not too long ago, my wife and I went out to dinner. In the course of our conversation, we realized that we both would have preferred to have dinner at home that night. In an effort to please each other, we do not express our true desires. Consequently, neither of us got what we both really wanted. It was a classic trip to Abilene.
Dr. Jerry Harvey developed a communication parable from a real life experience. He calls it the Abilene paradox. Briefly stated, he says thus:
Four adults are sitting on a porch in 104-degree heat in the small town of Coleman, Texas, about 53 miles from Abilene. They are moving as little as possible, drinking lemonade, watching the fan turn lazily. The characters are a married couple and the wife’s parents. At some point, the wife’s father suggests they drive to Abilene to eat at a diner. The son-in-law thinks it’s a crazy idea, but he doesn’t see the need to overturn the apple cart, so he agrees, as do the two women. They get into their Buick with no air conditioning and drive through a sandstorm to Abilene. They eat a mediocre lunch in the cafeteria and return to Coleman exhausted, hot, and generally unhappy with the experience. It’s not until they return home that it’s revealed that neither of them really wanted to go to Abilene; they only went because they thought the others were eager to go. Naturally, everyone sees this miscommunication as someone else’s problem!
The story applies to all kinds of relationships, work, home, school, neighborhood, everywhere people are together and make decisions. How often do we “go to Abilene” because we don’t want to go against what we believe to be the majority opinion?
Conventional wisdom dictates that what we say gets us into trouble. However, more often than not, it’s what we don’t say that leads to the most costly mistakes. Sharing our own reality, feelings, thoughts, and beliefs can be risky business. It contains the potential for disagreements, conflicts, and interpersonal conflicts. However, hiding our own truth from another person is just getting into the relationship river.
Today is probably a good day to talk… before you find yourself having lunch in Abilene.