A worrying situation that should not be judged too harshly, we are all capable of falling into holes with little room to escape. I’ll try to be gentle and look around when exploring this topic, and I’ll also remember that it’s very different than flings in heterosexual couples.
It is important not to judge. Our society is so eager to humiliate us, cast us out, and punish us for our choices instead of teaching us openness, honesty, and the value of good intentions. We can all be a little healthier by practicing these principles with ourselves and with others.
Women are built to form emotional bonds; it was an intricate part of our survival in prehistoric times. We connect emotionally with each other because women have more of the chemical known as oxytocin, “the love hormone.” This is why affairs affect lesbians so differently than heterosexuals and why it is necessary to take a different point of view when understanding affairs between two women. This is not to say that straight people are not affected by issues in their marriage, the impact of betrayal on anyone, regardless of their sexual orientation, can be devastating and painful.
As much as we would like to look the other way, the two women must acknowledge that there is a person involved in the affair without their knowledge or consent. When we try to manipulate our environment to our advantage where others are unwilling to participate, the consequences are often “very” ugly to severe. I’ve heard men tell me “it’s one thing for my wife to sleep with another man, but embarrassing me into sleeping with a woman is another story.”
There are many reasons why we choose to have adventures; there is the thrill and sense of adventure of having a secret and trying to control our life. There are also women who need to connect and seek the companionship that is missing from their marriage. Romance and love is something written in a storybook and seen in the movies, and soon forgotten once in marriage. The art of the courts has faded and the appetite for wild passion is a constant yearning. Many couples may have stopped having sex and live two separate lives in the same house. Other triggers for affairs are one night stands, opportunity, attention that builds our self esteem, revenge, escape from everyday life, and of course ending a marriage.
However, the most common type of affair in lesbian extramarital affairs is the “I didn’t know I was lesbian or bisexual.” Many of us get married because that is what is expected. Most of us grew up and started telling ourselves that we should meet a good man who can take care of us. I’m only thirty years old, but I know that crap was thrown in my face from multiple sources. Not once did I get a chance to even contemplate my sexuality, except for my mom, who was a bisexual hippie.
Many of us get married and realize that the life we ”choose” is not ours to live; that the one we seek is still missing. Now, that means we leave our husband, sadly not. The need to meet other people’s expectations is much greater for some women who will continue to live a life of secrets.
Many women do not leave their husbands because of the social repercussions it can have on their lives, the financial burdens, and of course because children may be involved. In the end that is a choice that the married woman makes.
What if you are the “other” woman? Well, you have two options. First, you can continue with the matter and wait to see if anything changes. Or you can go. If you decide on option number two, here are some tips on how to finish the adventure:
- Think about what you are going to say.
- Meet in a public place.
- Tell him that there will be ABSOLUTELY no contact. That is the only way to heal.
- Say goodbye and walk towards a future that is yours and not controlled by someone else’s fears.
It will be hard and it will hurt, but it will pass. There can always be some residual pain, but unless you free yourself from a secret life, you won’t have room to build a healthy relationship with a woman that is completely ours.
Alex Karydi ~ The Lesbian Guru